i am one of them | Reslife/LEMUR crossover

[betteralready]

 Archie tries to tell Horatio not to come. 

He tries to tell Horatio not to come; knows that it will be too much, with the French and the gunshots and the quiet longing his role requires. Only relents (still reluctantly) when Edgar confirms he'll be going as well.

(Elliot tries to tell Edgar not to come, either, but he doesn't mean it-- never could-- the way Archie did. Loathe though he is to admit it, he's always going to want Edgar there-- and is likely always going to be surprised, still, when he shows.)

It's still one of the hardest performances he's ever done, knowing his boyfriend is sitting in the audience watching the obvious heartache. Archie has to breathe through the quiet panic of his own, when the young woman playing Éponine comes in covered in blood; notices a tremble in Elliot's hands. The tears in his eyes (and Elliot's, he notes) are real when they press their foreheads together as the quiet desperation takes hold in the play.

He tries as hard as he possibly can to look nothing like himself, in the scene where they die. Tries to look all gloom and despair and not sacrifice. More like a man brought half-unwillingly to the gallows and not like one who stepped up to the noose himself. 

(Elliot, in rehearsals, had aimed for the opposite. Aimed to look more like himself so that it wouldn't hurt Edgar to see, because this was realer for the both of them than it was for even Archie and Horatio. And so Archie had held his tongue about how better to look like a man willing to die for something so much bigger than himself-- of a man who walked almost blindly into the range of bullets to protect what he loved more than life itself.

Neither of them quite manage, entirely, to achieve the image they're aiming for.)

They stand atop the false barricade and get shot while hand-in-hand. They'd almost had a fight with the director about it, but Elliot couldn't face this echo of his death without a hand in his and Archie, well--

(--He'll never tell Horatio, because it will kill the man certain sure, but there's something nice about the idea of having someone hold your hand while you're dying. He doesn't begrudge his boyfriend the way things had ended, but that's the one thing he'd wanted that he hadn't gotten, when he'd died the first time.)

They arrange to meet, all four of them, once most of the crowd has thinned, because they know it's not going to be an easy reunion. Thankfully, they're alone when they exit the stage door. Elliot steps towards Edgar with a hint of nervous uncertainty, his hand already offered out to be held. Archie shifts his attention instantly to give them some privacy; tuning out the quiet murmurs of French that reach his ears as he moves to Horatio.

He doesn't think twice about catching at Horatio's hand and bringing it up to his chest in the old, unfortunately familiar way. He'd brought a white shirt to change into after exactly so Horatio could see the utter lack of blood.

"I'm not hurt," he murmurs in lieu of a proper greeting, "'nd I love you."

Comments

[midship]

Shaking his head this close is an oddly wonderful thing, even with his nerves jangling like they are now. Moving together is one of the most comforting feelings in the world.

"You said, but-- you know that's not true, don't you?"

The past couldn't rule them, this time around.

[betteralready]

It's definitely a nice feeling. It's definitely got him relaxing all the more, the tightness at the corners of his lips relaxing slightly.

"I suppose you're right."

[midship]

"You've-- been living with this."

He hadn't fully appreciated how carefully Archie had been keeping this from him. He hadn't fully understood what it must have been like for Archie to come here every day, to throw himself into this world and something not so actually terribly far off from an ancient pain.

"The least I could do was-- show up."

[betteralready]

The way Horatio quietly points out the truth earns a somewhat sheepish grin as he leans in a little closer into his boyfriend's hold. He's always tended towards self-sacrifice, but he has to admit that for all it was difficult to perform knowing Horatio was in the audience, this definitely makes things better.

"'m glad you're here."

It's so much nicer than dragging himself all the way home for the genuine comfort of his presence.

[midship]

"I love you."

It's important to affirm. It hadn't been spoken properly through so many years of being true. It hadn't been allowed to be real between them nearly enough, even this time around.

"Archie, I don't-- want to be anywhere else."

Even through the hurt. Even through the discomfort.

[betteralready]

"I love you, too."

It's such a relief to be able to say.

"And-- I know."

He knows how much Horatio wants to be here. Knows there's nowhere else he'd rather be-- except maybe the sea. But Archie can forgive him that. He's here now.

[midship]

It helps to hear. It helps him fall more properly into himself, something efficient but affectionate in the way he brushes his thumb against Archie's cheek and begins to straighten up toward his more comfortable height.

"And this-- is where you are."

This sort of torture is much easier than the incredible pain of being unable to love one another properly.

[betteralready]

"Where we-- both are, then."

So much better, to be with one another properly.

[midship]

His breath is coming easier now. His hand can't help but run one last time over Archie's chest, careful and searching just for a few seconds more.

They'll have to keep close, of course. He's not sure he'll be able to do anything but keep an arm protective and snug around his boyfriend for the rest of the night.

"We are. Not going anywhere."

[betteralready]

"'xcept-- maybe home."

Because he really is getting tired. He can stand to (wants to) stay clinging close here just a little longer, but he is going to have to give in and head home. They're going to have to swing by and plan their goodbyes with Edgar and Elliot.

[midship]

"Whenever you're ready."

They'll have to find the balance again. They'll have to find the equilibrium between caring for this fresh searing in his own heart and the long pain Archie had been carrying. For now, he's fairly certain they can start with their energy focused on the man who had just lived more fully through the onslaught of memories.

"We'll-- reschedule drinks, hm?"

[betteralready]

That earns a nod. He has to lean in to steal a quick kiss from his boyfriend, just to settle his heart more entirely.

"Yeah. 's-- a good idea."

[midship]

The sensation is odd for a moment. He needs to take another moment, hesitant and just a bit awkward, to lean in and steal another little kiss.

The last few hours weren't real. The last few hours couldn't actually hurt them--wouldn't actually take either of them away.

"They'll be all right."

[betteralready]

"Yeah."

It's easier to agree, feeling more steadily like this. It's easier to see things more clearly, with Horatio kissing him again.

"And so will we."

[midship]

"We will."

Even if they have to walk clung tight together for a while. Even if they'll be sleeping with his cheek pressed firm against Archie's chest for the next few nights. Even if there would be a bit of stumbling now and then.

"Let's go home, then."

[betteralready]

"Let's."

It's going to be good, after all, to be able to curl in close again to his boyfriend and now they're both still alive.

[midship]

Another kiss helps. Another kiss feels stabilizing.

"We'll say good night."

That would be a good touchstone, even.

[betteralready]

"Okay."

He can do this. He can drift just slightly back from his boyfriend (but not let go.) He can move towards Elliot and Edgar and say goodbye.

They can make it home and stay curled together for the rest of the night-- the rest of the week, even. That'll help considerably.

[midship]

Honestly, saying goodnight to the others helps immensely. Grounding themselves in the proper reality of this life always does.

Still, there's nothing quite like getting properly outside again. Having Archie warm against his side and the cold, crisp air sucked deep into his lungs makes a world of difference.

"--better?"

[betteralready]

He ducks his head in briefly against Horatio's side; resting himself contentedly against his shoulder for a few moments as they properly step out into the cold. It has him nodding against Horatio when the question is asked.

"Yeah. Little bit."

It'll be more so, when they're home.

[midship]

"Good."

Little steps help. Little steps can feel like victories as they start off properly. It's the sort of thing that can keep a body going despite the nerves wracking through him.

"Maybe some tea?"

[betteralready]

A little nod as he lifts his head again to focus on walking.

"That'd be nice."

[midship]

Every step helps him find his smile. Every inch back toward home releases something in his chest.

"Just-- settle again."

They would be all right. They might even sleep, if they could manage to calm themselves enough on the long way to bed.

[betteralready]

"We'll be all right, with some tea in us."

Maybe with some talking. Maybe just with some gentle clinging, just like this.

[midship]

"And a bit of rest. You must be exhausted."

Watching it had been exhausting enough. Living it, the way Archie seemed to live all his roles? Horatio couldn't imagine.