me? i died for him [reslife au]

[betteralready]

 The topic comes up as they're driving some of the kids home from a retreat. Hamilton's soundtrack is good road trip music, and something Archie's listened to and read up on enough to actually know a thing or two. 

He thinks Horatio's asleep in the passenger seat when one of the kids pipes up with a question about Laurens' line in the first song. Archie's surprised when none of their other residents don't know the theoretical answer-- replies easily after a glance Horatio's direction. He's facing away from him, but his breathing's fairly steady. He's probably asleep.

It makes it easier for Archie to start to explain.

"It's actually pretty depressing, if you think about it," he begins, eyes focused on the road but gaze flickering a moment to meet with the resident that posed the query in the first place, "Apparently, there's a lot of evidence indicating that Laurens and Hamilton were in a relationship, starting about when they were aide-de-camps under Washington. But Laurens had some-- really bad self-esteem and awful internalized homophobia, thanks mostly to his dad being an ass. And when the war was drawing to an end, he didn't really-- think he'd have much of a place in the world after, but he knew Hamilton would."

There's a thoughtful flicker to his expression, for a moment. He hadn't thought much of it before, but there's the beginnings of a realization of some parallels. Unconsciously, he tucks it away for later reflection.

"So there's-- quite a bit of indication that Laurens rather recklessly threw himself into that last battle he fought. That it was a kind of-- suicide by proxy, partially because he-- didn't want to live after the war, but it was partially because he knew that Hamilton had the potential to-- really be something, in the new country they were making. But he thought, and probably rightly, that that would only happen if Hamilton married a woman and wasn't-- even the least bit rumored to be romantically or sexually involved with a man. But Hamilton was too loyal and wouldn't've given up on Laurens without a fight."

Another brief flicker of his gaze back to his kid, his smile a little sad.

"So to Laurens, it seems, the only solution was to-- die, so that Hamilton would have a-- good chance at things. Hence his 'I died for him.' Depressing, right?"

"Hella," the resident agrees, "And then Hamilton didn't even manage to-- keep things going well for himself. He had to mess it all up by cheating on Eliza and-- being a stubborn, impulsive idiot."

It's easy enough to let the change in topic happen naturally. Archie lets himself laugh in response to the words, and the conversation turns easily enough to Hamilton's foolishness.

Through it all, Archie still thinks Horatio's asleep.

Comments

[betteralready]

"No, I suppose not."

Although he can't help-- despite how unreasonable it is, to want to reassure about a time long over-- but blurt out the words that follow.

"I mean, I-- would've... We would still have been friends. Just-- It would have been hard, I think. If we were as-- close as we were. For you to-- find someone."

[midship]

"I barely wanted anyone even-- once you'd gone."

Maybe it had been a lingering effect of romantic devotion. Maybe it had been a lack of understanding what to do with affectionate emotion in the wake of such a terrible loss.

His fingers worry absently at Archie's fingers in his own, gently reassuring--to himself, perhaps, as much as to his boyfriend. "Would have... been easier to breathe, I think. Having you as-- a friend."

[betteralready]

It's good, at least, to feel Horatio's fingers squeezing back. It has his shoulders relaxing just slightly.

"If I could have-- been there and still kept you safe, Horatio, I would have."

[midship]

The relaxation is good. It doesn't stop him from frowning slightly, but it does keep him quiet and thoughtful rather than entirely nervy.

"I wish you'd have protected yourself."

[betteralready]

One hand spiders carefully out of his grip to lift and touch Horatio's cheek, thumb tracing his boyfriend's frown slightly.

"Where would I have ended up if I-- had, mm? I imagine if you'd proceeded as you'd planned to I'd have lost the most-- important part of myself, regardless."

[midship]

"Suppose there was no winning, then."

One of them was always going to have been a touch too reckless. One of them was always going to have to learn how to mourn in silence.

"No... losing each other, this time, then."

[betteralready]

"Absolutely not."

There's something quite determined in his voice as he says it.

"And, I mean, things clearly aren't-- going the same anymore."

It's safer, now, generally, for all some of the old hurts had still come to haunt them.

[midship]

There's been not much risk of drowning, this time around. Some, but not so much as there had been. That's a comfort to focus on.

"Still."

[betteralready]

"Still."

It's a somewhat reluctant agreement, as he shifts to press a cautious kiss to Horatio's temple.

"We'll look out for each other, love. In a-- not too reckless, life threatening way, even."

They already mostly do, even.

[midship]

"We will."

Starting, apparently, with finding a way to settle more comfortably in against the other young man. They'll be called away soon enough, likely, but that only makes it all the more important to enjoy this quiet moment together.

"I promise if you do."

[betteralready]

"I promise."

And he's going to shift to hold the other young man, now, ducking his head to breathe against the crook of Horatio's neck.

"I love you. But I'll be-- smart about it, this time."

[midship]

It's so easy to settle like this. It's such an odd relief, after all these years, to have found this infinitely comfortable space.

His eyes close briefly as he presses his cheek to Archie's temple, the beginning of a smile finding the edges of his lips. "I-- love you too."

He's getting better at saying it. He's meant it since before there had been words.

[betteralready]

Feeling the slight smile has him relaxing all the more. Has him smiling, as well.

"And you won't be-- as reckless, this time?"

[midship]

"I've been better, haven't I?"

There had been less literal danger to throw himself into, admittedly. He likes to think he's done better with the little licks of temper and not quite thinking.

[betteralready]

"You have."

It earns a smile, and a fond kiss to his cheek.

"Thank you."

[midship]

"Thank you."

One hand catches fretfully at Archie's cheek. There's so much nagging at him, after all, clamoring for attention.

"It'll be... easier, won't it? Now?"

The world isn't perfect yet. It still feels infinitely safer than the world they'd first struggled through.

[betteralready]

"I think so."

He can't be certain, but things already seem so much better these days.

"It's not as-- crucial you be with a woman, now, in order for you to-- succeed. And where we are, no one's about to-- put us to death, just for being together. It wasn't like that, before."

[midship]

It's better now. It's so, so much better now. That thought has a fervently relieved kiss pressed against the other young man's temple.

"I can't help but think-- it'll be easier, with you."

Without chasing a ghost the rest of his natural life.

[betteralready]

"I'll be here, love. So long as you want me."

They'll get through the risky parts together, this time; if they happen at all.

[midship]

His breath comes a little shaky for a moment, entire body squirming a little closer.

"Might be... rather a long time, Archie."

[betteralready]

It's easy to settle in. To feel safe and happy, here.

It's just that there are his own insecurities, rare and small but existent, that can't help but come to light.

"Good," he murmurs, "But-- you know. If ever that does-- change. Don't-- feel obliged to stay."

[midship]

They're good for each other. He can see that so much more clearly, this time around.

It's so easy to shift again, settling his hand protectively at the back of the other young man's neck.

"It's never been an obligation." Not in any lifetime. "Don't you feel obligated either."

[betteralready]

A soft, affectionate laugh as he shifts to mimic the motion, his hand settling warmly against Horatio's neck.

"I could never feel obligated, with you."

Part of the beauty of being with Horatio is that every step of the way has felt like a choice.

[midship]

This is infinitely better than any of the last time around. This is so easy, so gentle, so completely casual even in these moments of high nerves. Everything feels a bit easier with this to fall back on.

"God, I hope so, Archie."

[betteralready]

"Know it, love."

A quick lean forward to capture Horatio's lips in a fond kiss.

"I have-- never felt obligated, with you. Just-- happy."

It's true of this time, certainly.