me? i died for him [reslife au]

[betteralready]

 The topic comes up as they're driving some of the kids home from a retreat. Hamilton's soundtrack is good road trip music, and something Archie's listened to and read up on enough to actually know a thing or two. 

He thinks Horatio's asleep in the passenger seat when one of the kids pipes up with a question about Laurens' line in the first song. Archie's surprised when none of their other residents don't know the theoretical answer-- replies easily after a glance Horatio's direction. He's facing away from him, but his breathing's fairly steady. He's probably asleep.

It makes it easier for Archie to start to explain.

"It's actually pretty depressing, if you think about it," he begins, eyes focused on the road but gaze flickering a moment to meet with the resident that posed the query in the first place, "Apparently, there's a lot of evidence indicating that Laurens and Hamilton were in a relationship, starting about when they were aide-de-camps under Washington. But Laurens had some-- really bad self-esteem and awful internalized homophobia, thanks mostly to his dad being an ass. And when the war was drawing to an end, he didn't really-- think he'd have much of a place in the world after, but he knew Hamilton would."

There's a thoughtful flicker to his expression, for a moment. He hadn't thought much of it before, but there's the beginnings of a realization of some parallels. Unconsciously, he tucks it away for later reflection.

"So there's-- quite a bit of indication that Laurens rather recklessly threw himself into that last battle he fought. That it was a kind of-- suicide by proxy, partially because he-- didn't want to live after the war, but it was partially because he knew that Hamilton had the potential to-- really be something, in the new country they were making. But he thought, and probably rightly, that that would only happen if Hamilton married a woman and wasn't-- even the least bit rumored to be romantically or sexually involved with a man. But Hamilton was too loyal and wouldn't've given up on Laurens without a fight."

Another brief flicker of his gaze back to his kid, his smile a little sad.

"So to Laurens, it seems, the only solution was to-- die, so that Hamilton would have a-- good chance at things. Hence his 'I died for him.' Depressing, right?"

"Hella," the resident agrees, "And then Hamilton didn't even manage to-- keep things going well for himself. He had to mess it all up by cheating on Eliza and-- being a stubborn, impulsive idiot."

It's easy enough to let the change in topic happen naturally. Archie lets himself laugh in response to the words, and the conversation turns easily enough to Hamilton's foolishness.

Through it all, Archie still thinks Horatio's asleep.

Comments

[midship]

It isn't a bad assumption, really. Part of not sleeping through the night was taking little cat naps, letting his eyes drift shut from time to time throughout the day. If anyone had kept track, there would even have been a clear correlation between Horatio's naps and Horatio's proximity to Archie. Wherever Archie is, after all, is the safest place he knows.

But he isn't sleeping now.

His eyes are closed. His arms are crossed comfortably. His mind is spinning here and there, plotting carefully through the rest of the day. His attention is, as ever, half-focused on the man driving.

Something makes him listen. It doesn't prompt him to open his eyes or turn his head, but it makes his ears perk up just slightly and his attention properly focus in on the words. His features stay perfectly peaceful as he listens, breathing slow and careful so as not to miss a word.

He waits a few moments into the shifted topic to open his eyes, long limbs stretching carefully in the cramped space of the seat. He blinks groggily for a second before turning his head toward Archie, lips pressed together unconsciously.

(The blood bubbles to those soft lips before words can escape. The body his hands reach for is already slumping with that hopeless sort of give men don't come back from.)

"Almost there?"

[betteralready]

Archie has no reason to suspect that Horatio was awake the whole time. A part of him knows, after all, that the other young man naps most frequently in his vicinity. He's quite comforted by the knowledge, really. It's good, to know his boyfriend manages to get his rest.

So he's smiling entirely easily at Horatio when he wakes, glancing briefly at the clock and the traffic ahead before replying.

"Probably another-- ten minutes, I think," he says brightly, "Sleep well?"

[midship]

The smile is still there. The eyes are bright and the voice is cheerful enough.

(The smile had been so pained and so peaceful at the same time.)

His breath comes carefully as one shoulder lifts. It takes that half second to be certain his voice stays calm and even.

"Mm." That sounds like himself. "You're all right?"

[betteralready]

It's not an unusual question. It's something Horatio likes to check in on, especially if there's nightmares involved. There's a brief flicker of worry in his gaze as he glances back a little more critically towards his boyfriend, trying to see if nightmares have, in fact, been involved.

It's hard to tell, but he smiles reassuringly anyways. He'd reach out, but the residents are still in the back of the car.

"I'm all right," he says instead, "I'll be glad to be home, though."

[midship]

"Feel a little bit more like yourself, hm?"

It also has a different sort of privacy. It's one thing to be in a room; it's another thing to be in one's own space.

It's also another thing to be in Archie's space. Another thing to have Archie in his own space.

Either would be a much better place to talk than a car still full of residents.

[betteralready]

"Exactly."

Especially when he gets to be home in Horatio's general vicinity. That's always a plus.

It's always better, to be alone with him.

[midship]

He's gotten good at forced carelessness. Most people buy into it.

Archie, of course, knows him.

"D'you have a lot to do?"

[betteralready]

"When don't we?" he jests, more for the benefit of the residents than anything else, "I could use a little help with some of it, in fact. If you've got a hand to lend.

That's more for Horatio's benefit. It's easier when they have an excuse.

[midship]

"Of course."

Maybe that will be good. Maybe it will be important to sort through his own thoughts, after all; to come up with the right way to approach the hurt now digging into his gut.

[betteralready]

"Awesome."

So once the kids are unloaded and things are actually taken care of, Archie will be looking to Horatio and nodding in the direction of his room with a query in his eyes.

[midship]

Following is easy. Being close to Archie has always been entirely natural.

Making it around a corner before catching at his boyfriend's hand is unconscious.

[betteralready]

He's squeezing his hand instantly, when it's offered. He's tugging him carefully into his room, ensuring it's closed properly before he turns to his boyfriend once more.

There's a fretful frown on his lips as his free hand catches at Horatio's cheek.

"What's the matter?"

[midship]

The shadows of the past feel farther away when they can settle together like this. Letting his forehead rest against Archie's is the most comforting feeling in the world.

"We can talk?"

This isn't something to start and pick up later. This will need to be gotten out in a single, painful break.

[betteralready]

There's always a hint of a contented sigh, at the settling of Horatio's forehead against his. He can't help it, even if he is still visibly worried.

"Yeah. Of course."

They've been attentive enough to their duties the past few days, surely, that they can have a little time now.

"What is it?"

[midship]

"It-- What you were saying. On the road."

He doesn't detangle completely. He pulls back only enough to tug them properly along toward sitting.

"About Laurens."

[betteralready]

He follows easily, tucking himself in against Horatio's side once they're settled. The words aren't what he expects, and he stills a moment.

"--Ah." He'd only just begun to really consider how the words applied, himself. His thoughts speed up rather quickly, knowing Horatio's stuck on them, but he still needs to ask, "What about them?"

[midship]

They don't talk about it often. There are still too many prickling edges, too many little bits and pieces of knowledge that sit uncomfortably when looking too far back into the past.

He hesitates briefly before shifting closer, fingers plucking nervously at Archie's sleeve.

"You thought I had a place in the world."

[betteralready]

Ah. There's the conclusion he'd half been coming to, himself. His lips slip into a hint of a frown as he shifts a little closer.

"--I knew you did."

[midship]

"Were you reckless?"

The question had always been the other way around. It had been the constant, quiet nag for such a long (and terribly short) time.

But it had been the first true breath of promotion--the first real chance to take a place in the world they'd chosen.

[betteralready]

"Oh, Horatio..."

He's honest. He's always been honest, generally and especially with Horatio. Especially this time around. But he can be honest and still hesitate a moment as he tries to figure out his answer.

"--I was-- reckless in battle long before-- then," he says, once he's gathered his thoughts, "I didn't mean it at first, but once I realized I was doing it I didn't-- stop myself, but I used to-- follow close beside you, during battle. And that last fight there were-- other reasons to look out for you, so-- yes. I was reckless. But not much more than I usually was, and not any more than you ever were, back then."

Horatio would've done something similar for him, had he been functioning under all the information Archie had had and had the opportunity presented itself.

[midship]

"--you would have-- had a place, Archie."

It's an overload of information. It's century-old hurts suddenly ripped open again and bleeding angrily over his own mind. It's a little difficult to breathe and hear properly.

"Why would-- Archie, why would you ever have--?"

[betteralready]

"Horatio, love--"

He has to shift forward more properly, pressing his forehead against his boyfriend's.

"--I would have had a place, yes, but-- not at all like you would've," he begins softly, "I was a good enough person and a decent seaman, but you-- Horatio, I know you never thought so, but you were-- incredible. You were going to-- take the world by a storm, and it was going to be the better for it, in a way I couldn't've managed. But you wouldn't've been able to do that if you were-- hanged for mutiny."

One hand lifts to touch Horatio's cheek, fond and protective.

"It wasn't an entirely conscious choice, Horatio, but-- it was an easy one."

[midship]

His head shakes slightly, even against Archie's gentle touch.

"There had to be another way."

There hadn't been another way. There hadn't been anything for it, with things ending as they had. Then again, there hadn't really been any proper hope from the moment the bullets ripped into Archie.

"And you shouldn't-- Archie, even before that you shouldn't have--"

[betteralready]

A gentle shake of his head.

"There wasn't another way, love. Not after I got shot."

Which is honest enough, painful though the truth is. He shakes his head firmly against Horatio's once more at the second set of words.

"And that-- it wasn't intentional, entirely, like I told you. But-- I loved you even then. Of course I'd want to protect you."

[midship]

"I don't understand."

He's nearly there. The general idea of throwing down his life for Archie makes sense even now, to some extent.

"God, did you even-- comprehend what you meant? How important you were?"