me? i died for him [reslife au]

[betteralready]

 The topic comes up as they're driving some of the kids home from a retreat. Hamilton's soundtrack is good road trip music, and something Archie's listened to and read up on enough to actually know a thing or two. 

He thinks Horatio's asleep in the passenger seat when one of the kids pipes up with a question about Laurens' line in the first song. Archie's surprised when none of their other residents don't know the theoretical answer-- replies easily after a glance Horatio's direction. He's facing away from him, but his breathing's fairly steady. He's probably asleep.

It makes it easier for Archie to start to explain.

"It's actually pretty depressing, if you think about it," he begins, eyes focused on the road but gaze flickering a moment to meet with the resident that posed the query in the first place, "Apparently, there's a lot of evidence indicating that Laurens and Hamilton were in a relationship, starting about when they were aide-de-camps under Washington. But Laurens had some-- really bad self-esteem and awful internalized homophobia, thanks mostly to his dad being an ass. And when the war was drawing to an end, he didn't really-- think he'd have much of a place in the world after, but he knew Hamilton would."

There's a thoughtful flicker to his expression, for a moment. He hadn't thought much of it before, but there's the beginnings of a realization of some parallels. Unconsciously, he tucks it away for later reflection.

"So there's-- quite a bit of indication that Laurens rather recklessly threw himself into that last battle he fought. That it was a kind of-- suicide by proxy, partially because he-- didn't want to live after the war, but it was partially because he knew that Hamilton had the potential to-- really be something, in the new country they were making. But he thought, and probably rightly, that that would only happen if Hamilton married a woman and wasn't-- even the least bit rumored to be romantically or sexually involved with a man. But Hamilton was too loyal and wouldn't've given up on Laurens without a fight."

Another brief flicker of his gaze back to his kid, his smile a little sad.

"So to Laurens, it seems, the only solution was to-- die, so that Hamilton would have a-- good chance at things. Hence his 'I died for him.' Depressing, right?"

"Hella," the resident agrees, "And then Hamilton didn't even manage to-- keep things going well for himself. He had to mess it all up by cheating on Eliza and-- being a stubborn, impulsive idiot."

It's easy enough to let the change in topic happen naturally. Archie lets himself laugh in response to the words, and the conversation turns easily enough to Hamilton's foolishness.

Through it all, Archie still thinks Horatio's asleep.

Comments

[midship]

There's something strange but oddly affirming about having Archie look faintly at peace with the situation. It adds to the soothing nature of the words.

"If... If we'd had time, Archie, what-- what would have changed?"

[betteralready]

"I don't-- know for certain, if it would have."

If it would have helped, or just added to Horatio's guilt.

"But I-- I wanted time to-- explain myself. To-- tell you what you meant, and to ask you to-- make sure to take care of yourself. Or to let someone else take care of you." He glances up, then, with a brief flash of a wry smile, before he continues, "And to explain to you-- why I did it, and why you-- mattered so much more to me than my life and my name. Horatio..."

He looks up again, then, his hands squeezing around his boyfriend's once more as he speaks with obvious earnestness, "...So many times before and even-- on the Renown, you had given me hope and-- another chance at life that, at the time, I wasn't sure I wanted but was-- so grateful for, after. I wanted to-- repay you at least once, in kind, and from what I understood there were likely no more dire straits I could have helped you with. Especially once I was-- dying anyways."

[midship]

It really is a stunning thing, this time as it had been in the last. No matter how heavy the burdens he's asked to shoulder, Archie is able to find his smile again. No matter how harshly the world treats him, Archie allows himself this sort of earnest vulnerability.

His fingers shift carefully, nervous and protective as he clutches the other young man's hand a hair more tightly.

"I wish I could have-- given you that chance, then. That we'd had-- a little longer, at the end."

It would have been an incredibly painful weight on his soul for the rest of his life, but it would have been so easy to carry for Archie's sake.

[betteralready]

"I wish that we'd had a little longer, generally," he replies, squeezing his hand lovingly, "But at least there's-- this time around."

It's a small consolation for their past life, but it's something.

[midship]

"Would you have stayed?"

He's wondered about it. He lies awake at night most of the time, after all; his mind has drifted down thousands of possible roads often enough.

"If-- If you'd lived, and we'd managed to-- find another way out of the trial, would... would you have stayed with me?"

It had been terrible enough losing Bush when they returned home. He can't imagine what it would have been like to lose Archie that way.

[betteralready]

He does have to pause, for a moment, at that. It's only a brief hesitation.

"I would've wanted to," he begins, "But-- I wouldn't've... I was like Laurens that way, too. I was-- worried, that if we were ever-- more than we were, that you wouldn't've been able to-- find a wife and-- be happy and successful. But I would have-- stayed, likely, as long as that-- wasn't on the horizon."

[midship]

"Not-- so long, then."

Archie would have seen it coming. Archie would have sussed out the entire situation with Maria, with Barbara from a mile away. It's confusing, more than anything else, to wonder if Archie might even have pushed him firmly in that direction.

He can't decide if that hurts more to consider.

[betteralready]

"No, I suppose not."

Although he can't help-- despite how unreasonable it is, to want to reassure about a time long over-- but blurt out the words that follow.

"I mean, I-- would've... We would still have been friends. Just-- It would have been hard, I think. If we were as-- close as we were. For you to-- find someone."

[midship]

"I barely wanted anyone even-- once you'd gone."

Maybe it had been a lingering effect of romantic devotion. Maybe it had been a lack of understanding what to do with affectionate emotion in the wake of such a terrible loss.

His fingers worry absently at Archie's fingers in his own, gently reassuring--to himself, perhaps, as much as to his boyfriend. "Would have... been easier to breathe, I think. Having you as-- a friend."

[betteralready]

It's good, at least, to feel Horatio's fingers squeezing back. It has his shoulders relaxing just slightly.

"If I could have-- been there and still kept you safe, Horatio, I would have."

[midship]

The relaxation is good. It doesn't stop him from frowning slightly, but it does keep him quiet and thoughtful rather than entirely nervy.

"I wish you'd have protected yourself."

[betteralready]

One hand spiders carefully out of his grip to lift and touch Horatio's cheek, thumb tracing his boyfriend's frown slightly.

"Where would I have ended up if I-- had, mm? I imagine if you'd proceeded as you'd planned to I'd have lost the most-- important part of myself, regardless."

[midship]

"Suppose there was no winning, then."

One of them was always going to have been a touch too reckless. One of them was always going to have to learn how to mourn in silence.

"No... losing each other, this time, then."

[betteralready]

"Absolutely not."

There's something quite determined in his voice as he says it.

"And, I mean, things clearly aren't-- going the same anymore."

It's safer, now, generally, for all some of the old hurts had still come to haunt them.

[midship]

There's been not much risk of drowning, this time around. Some, but not so much as there had been. That's a comfort to focus on.

"Still."

[betteralready]

"Still."

It's a somewhat reluctant agreement, as he shifts to press a cautious kiss to Horatio's temple.

"We'll look out for each other, love. In a-- not too reckless, life threatening way, even."

They already mostly do, even.

[midship]

"We will."

Starting, apparently, with finding a way to settle more comfortably in against the other young man. They'll be called away soon enough, likely, but that only makes it all the more important to enjoy this quiet moment together.

"I promise if you do."

[betteralready]

"I promise."

And he's going to shift to hold the other young man, now, ducking his head to breathe against the crook of Horatio's neck.

"I love you. But I'll be-- smart about it, this time."

[midship]

It's so easy to settle like this. It's such an odd relief, after all these years, to have found this infinitely comfortable space.

His eyes close briefly as he presses his cheek to Archie's temple, the beginning of a smile finding the edges of his lips. "I-- love you too."

He's getting better at saying it. He's meant it since before there had been words.

[betteralready]

Feeling the slight smile has him relaxing all the more. Has him smiling, as well.

"And you won't be-- as reckless, this time?"

[midship]

"I've been better, haven't I?"

There had been less literal danger to throw himself into, admittedly. He likes to think he's done better with the little licks of temper and not quite thinking.

[betteralready]

"You have."

It earns a smile, and a fond kiss to his cheek.

"Thank you."

[midship]

"Thank you."

One hand catches fretfully at Archie's cheek. There's so much nagging at him, after all, clamoring for attention.

"It'll be... easier, won't it? Now?"

The world isn't perfect yet. It still feels infinitely safer than the world they'd first struggled through.

[betteralready]

"I think so."

He can't be certain, but things already seem so much better these days.

"It's not as-- crucial you be with a woman, now, in order for you to-- succeed. And where we are, no one's about to-- put us to death, just for being together. It wasn't like that, before."

[midship]

It's better now. It's so, so much better now. That thought has a fervently relieved kiss pressed against the other young man's temple.

"I can't help but think-- it'll be easier, with you."

Without chasing a ghost the rest of his natural life.