me? i died for him [reslife au]

[betteralready]

 The topic comes up as they're driving some of the kids home from a retreat. Hamilton's soundtrack is good road trip music, and something Archie's listened to and read up on enough to actually know a thing or two. 

He thinks Horatio's asleep in the passenger seat when one of the kids pipes up with a question about Laurens' line in the first song. Archie's surprised when none of their other residents don't know the theoretical answer-- replies easily after a glance Horatio's direction. He's facing away from him, but his breathing's fairly steady. He's probably asleep.

It makes it easier for Archie to start to explain.

"It's actually pretty depressing, if you think about it," he begins, eyes focused on the road but gaze flickering a moment to meet with the resident that posed the query in the first place, "Apparently, there's a lot of evidence indicating that Laurens and Hamilton were in a relationship, starting about when they were aide-de-camps under Washington. But Laurens had some-- really bad self-esteem and awful internalized homophobia, thanks mostly to his dad being an ass. And when the war was drawing to an end, he didn't really-- think he'd have much of a place in the world after, but he knew Hamilton would."

There's a thoughtful flicker to his expression, for a moment. He hadn't thought much of it before, but there's the beginnings of a realization of some parallels. Unconsciously, he tucks it away for later reflection.

"So there's-- quite a bit of indication that Laurens rather recklessly threw himself into that last battle he fought. That it was a kind of-- suicide by proxy, partially because he-- didn't want to live after the war, but it was partially because he knew that Hamilton had the potential to-- really be something, in the new country they were making. But he thought, and probably rightly, that that would only happen if Hamilton married a woman and wasn't-- even the least bit rumored to be romantically or sexually involved with a man. But Hamilton was too loyal and wouldn't've given up on Laurens without a fight."

Another brief flicker of his gaze back to his kid, his smile a little sad.

"So to Laurens, it seems, the only solution was to-- die, so that Hamilton would have a-- good chance at things. Hence his 'I died for him.' Depressing, right?"

"Hella," the resident agrees, "And then Hamilton didn't even manage to-- keep things going well for himself. He had to mess it all up by cheating on Eliza and-- being a stubborn, impulsive idiot."

It's easy enough to let the change in topic happen naturally. Archie lets himself laugh in response to the words, and the conversation turns easily enough to Hamilton's foolishness.

Through it all, Archie still thinks Horatio's asleep.

Comments

[betteralready]

Ah. There's the conclusion he'd half been coming to, himself. His lips slip into a hint of a frown as he shifts a little closer.

"--I knew you did."

[midship]

"Were you reckless?"

The question had always been the other way around. It had been the constant, quiet nag for such a long (and terribly short) time.

But it had been the first true breath of promotion--the first real chance to take a place in the world they'd chosen.

[betteralready]

"Oh, Horatio..."

He's honest. He's always been honest, generally and especially with Horatio. Especially this time around. But he can be honest and still hesitate a moment as he tries to figure out his answer.

"--I was-- reckless in battle long before-- then," he says, once he's gathered his thoughts, "I didn't mean it at first, but once I realized I was doing it I didn't-- stop myself, but I used to-- follow close beside you, during battle. And that last fight there were-- other reasons to look out for you, so-- yes. I was reckless. But not much more than I usually was, and not any more than you ever were, back then."

Horatio would've done something similar for him, had he been functioning under all the information Archie had had and had the opportunity presented itself.

[midship]

"--you would have-- had a place, Archie."

It's an overload of information. It's century-old hurts suddenly ripped open again and bleeding angrily over his own mind. It's a little difficult to breathe and hear properly.

"Why would-- Archie, why would you ever have--?"

[betteralready]

"Horatio, love--"

He has to shift forward more properly, pressing his forehead against his boyfriend's.

"--I would have had a place, yes, but-- not at all like you would've," he begins softly, "I was a good enough person and a decent seaman, but you-- Horatio, I know you never thought so, but you were-- incredible. You were going to-- take the world by a storm, and it was going to be the better for it, in a way I couldn't've managed. But you wouldn't've been able to do that if you were-- hanged for mutiny."

One hand lifts to touch Horatio's cheek, fond and protective.

"It wasn't an entirely conscious choice, Horatio, but-- it was an easy one."

[midship]

His head shakes slightly, even against Archie's gentle touch.

"There had to be another way."

There hadn't been another way. There hadn't been anything for it, with things ending as they had. Then again, there hadn't really been any proper hope from the moment the bullets ripped into Archie.

"And you shouldn't-- Archie, even before that you shouldn't have--"

[betteralready]

A gentle shake of his head.

"There wasn't another way, love. Not after I got shot."

Which is honest enough, painful though the truth is. He shakes his head firmly against Horatio's once more at the second set of words.

"And that-- it wasn't intentional, entirely, like I told you. But-- I loved you even then. Of course I'd want to protect you."

[midship]

"I don't understand."

He's nearly there. The general idea of throwing down his life for Archie makes sense even now, to some extent.

"God, did you even-- comprehend what you meant? How important you were?"

[betteralready]

"To you? Of course I thought, and-- hoped so."

His heart hadn't dared let itself believe it in full, especially towards the end.

"But you-- Horatio, you were important to-- more people in a way that I couldn't be to them and that would mean something real, to you and them both. I weighed the costs. And by the time I took that bullet it was just a matter of death one way or another. What did my name mean to me, after the end? You knew, and you would live untainted to make my testimony worth it and that was-- all that mattered."

[midship]

Even now, in the safety of this life, it keeps his breath tense and restricted to contemplate. His fingers worm for a tighter grip on the other young man's as he fumbles for words.

"You were a hero, Archie. You should have been-- remembered as a hero. Properly."

[betteralready]

He lifts Horatio's hand in his to his lips, pressing a soft kiss against his knuckles.

"It was worth it," he says, "For you, mostly, yes, but I would've done it for Wellard, had he survived the battle. For Bush, had he been implicated. For the good of the service overall, even. As I have and had no doubt you would have done, had the opportunity presented itself."

[midship]

"Archie--"

It's as true now as it had been then. It's as painful to recollect as it had ever been to understand.

"Do you know how often I-- wished it had been me?"

[betteralready]

"I can imagine," he answers softly, pressing a kiss against his knuckles again, "And I am-- sorry for that. But I still wouldn't change it."

He hopes he can understand that, despite the hurt.

[midship]

There's insistence as he shakes his hand free. He needs both to catch properly at Archie's cheeks, to press a scattering of firm kiss against the other man's lips.

It helps keep the terror at bay. It helps give him certainty that they're still here, despite the old waves of anguish bubbling up in his mind and heart.

"I know." That sense of duty, of loyalty, had struck close to his heart then as it did now. "That doesn't make it easier."

[betteralready]

He'll stick to pressing the kisses back against his boyfriend's lips, at first. It's important, after all, for him to know he's here.

"I know it doesn't," he says softly, "I wish we'd-- never been put into that situation, believe me. But it's not... We won't have to worry about that now, mm?"

[midship]

Hurts have gotten so much easier to work through these days. The bits and pieces of hurt and nerves in this life could be soothed so easily by proximity like this. Sharper, older hurts could be salved so gently by this insistent sort of press of lips.

It's so much better, this time around. It stings just a little at moments like this, remembering how hard it had been the first time.

"God, I hope not."

[betteralready]

"We won't, love."

He'd fight the entire world (or not-- fighting seems to be the problem.)

"But... I'm glad we're-- talking about this."

[midship]

Fighting is still easy. Loving is still easy.

This bit--the talking, the feeling out, the actual fumbling for words--is difficult, but God if it isn't worth every bit of struggle.

"--you are?"

[betteralready]

"Yeah."

It's soft as he presses a quick kiss against his lips once more.

"It's-- I know it hurt you. That-- a lot of last time hurt-- both of us. So we should-- talk about things more."

[midship]

The kiss helps. Reminders that the world isn't gripping them quite so tight by the neck always do.

He still can't quite help the wrinkle of his brow. "You shouldn't have to think about it, Archie."

[betteralready]

"Just because we shouldn't-- have to do a lot of things doesn't mean we-- don't, mm?"

There's a lot that can refer to, really. His smile still sticks, though, and he stays pressed in warm and close.

[midship]

"I just want you to be happy."

It's lovely to reach up, like he does now, and feel the curve of Archie's smiles. It's affirming to find they're so much more often in place even than the first time around.

"As happy as possible, Archie."

[betteralready]

"And I am, this time, Horatio."

It's honest as he always is.

"I just-- want to make sure you are, as well, and that we've-- worked through everything from-- last time."

He knows better than most, after all, how things can fester if they're allowed to linger.

[midship]

He trusts Archie infinitely. Even now, he trusts Archie with his life.

He still can't help the way his features wrinkle with nerves. "Worked through?"

[betteralready]

"Just-- I hurt you, by leaving."

There's obvious guilt and regret in his voice as he says it.

"And-- I don't know, whatever-- else was left unsaid. We should-- make sure it's all-- properly out there."